I Keep Getting Unwanted Pets

People wake up to the sounds of an alarm clock or the cukoo of a hen. I wake up to the sound of pigeons. Tons of them. The guttural incessant ku ku ku of the pigeons combined with the fluttering of their wings. Like a dozen of them. Just outside my window. Senseless creatures going ku ku ku for no apparent reason all day every day. They aren’t like normal birds – heralding dawn and dusk with their melodious chirping. NO. They are worse than crows. At least when you see a dozen crows together you can make a cool comment on how you just saw a murder of crows. (Even though I have just finished watching Killing Eve and I might have higher than normal psychopathic tendencies, but no – I don’t actually mean avicide. Let me clarify with the help of an example- Owls : Parliament :: Crows : Murder) Don’t even get me started on the mess the pigeons make. And I know it’s a low blow, but have you seen pigeon babies? Have you? They are an ugly mess of nasty yellow feathers. Absolutely disgusting to look at.

Over time the pigeons in my building have become dauntless. Now our silly gimmicks don’t scare them away. Banging on the window sills don’t work anymore. Nor does rapid hand gesturing. They hold their fort down even on being shoo-ed. Seeing this, it’s only fair that we up our game too. So, one fine afternoon, the Human, all riled up at a pigeon that won’t stop koo-ing for an hour, decides to have a face off with this said pigeon. Don’t worry. No pigeon (or human) were harmed in the making of this blog. Let’s add a little drama here. What is a good name for a stubborn pigeon? Ted should work just fine.

Ted: (sitting by the window carefree, koo-ing since an hour nonstop) Look, what at we have here? Human decided to finally grow a spine and shoo me away. Well, I ain’t going anywhere.

Human: You have no idea what you’re up against.

Both proceed to have a classic Texas stare down. The way Ted’s flexible neck kept adjusting, pissed off the Human. And this went on for the exact duration it takes to make instant popcorn, which I did. Don’t you judge. This was the most entertaining thing all week.

Human: Enough! I’m gonna throw stuff at this stupid wide-eyed, ball for a neck, creature.

At this point I reminded Human that she couldn’t actually throw things that might hurt Ted. After a mutual agreement, we decided Human will throw small paper balls right next to Ted, just to scare him away, with no intention of ever causing physical harm.

Human: (takes shot 1 and misses by a LARGE gap)

Ted: Am I supposed to take this seriously?

Human: (takes shot 2, better than shot 1)

Ted: Honey, I ain’t scared of a little piece of crumpled paper.

Human: (takes shot 3, 4 and 5)

Ted: Why won’t you give up? Clearly, I ain’t moving from this place. Or wait, are these letters? You don’t suppose we pigeons still act as messengers, do you? Gosh! These movies need to stop portraying us as uber intelligent creatures with a fabulous direction sense. Just last week, cousin Luke flew into a closed window and almost lost a wing.

Human: WHY WON’T YOU LEAVEEEE!

Ted: Dear Jesus. I’ll go, okay? I already have plans with pigeon Bob. We’re gonna go shit on someone’s car. Smell ya later, Human.

Fin.

P.S. If you’re wondering, yes. I wrote the entire thing with the noise of pigeons in the background. Now streaming on Spotify 🙂