There exists no greater adversity than what Indian men have to go through every single night. They take it upon themselves to prove their valour and mettle in a fashion similar to that of their ancestors who had fought the great battles of Independence.
Confused? Let me illustrate through another example. Imagine a train compartment. 1 college student, desperately in need of sleep. 7 middle aged men. The college student hears the entire Beethoven’s symphony on a 100-piece orchestra. Don’t understand how 7 men can sound like a 100?
Clarification: The orchestra is the ear-splitting, nerve wracking, absolutely eternal snoring of Indian men. Yes, the louder they are, the braver they act in their dreams. That’s how modern men have chosen to fight their battles.
But just like in an orchestra, different instrumentalists contribute uniquely to the melody.
The gentle snorers are the messengers. Constant rhythm, constant pitch. They might even seem cute. Might work like a sound machine that sings a gentle lullaby to put you to sleep in a swaying hammock.
Then comes the snorer with false pretences. They take a loud breath in, but while breathing out sound like a popped balloon. They usually have snout stuck in their respiratory tracks or drill on their chins. And not in a cute baby kind of way. They sound like someone is forcing them to do Kapaalbharti in their dreams.
Then comes the real deal. The trumpet snorers. The false snorers consider them their idols. They have loud, uneven and obnoxious snores. Yes. They put their heart and soul into it. They make sure there exists absolutely no tempo, no rhythm. After all, that’s how they surprise their enemies. You can also imagine trying to start an old Chetak scooter. Yes, exactly the sound you remember. That’s what these fancy snorers sound like.
But the most harmful of them all are the competitive snorers. They lose in snoring matches as gracefully as Monica did the Gellar Cup. They gauge what the intensity of their enemy-snorers will be, and match that. They see it as a guitar riff-off battle. Or the jugalbandi of tablas. Either way, they are into professional snoring.
Granted that it might be due to a medical condition. But I just want to check if these men know they have a condition. And yes, women snore too. But when has the vacuum tight patriarchy ever let women warriors fight it out on the battlefield?
Remember the college student who couldn’t sleep? Yes Sherlock, that was me. Was this my way of ranting about middle-aged men with congested respiratory tracks? Perhaps.