The Ants Migrate From Lucknow To Delhi

So I (not so) recently went on my first solo train journey from Lucknow to Delhi in a chair car train with serious confidence in my abilities to handle this mediocre task. But one thing that I hadn’t taken into consideration was Murphy’s law which states, “Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong”. Now please don’t be alarmed that the train got derailed or one of the coaches caught on fire.

Let me assure you that something much much worse took place. This guy, whose name I don’t want to reveal (and I don’t even know), enters the coach along with his parents I presume. Let’s call the guy Voldy, cuz why not?

This family of three managed to block the entire aisle by refusing to just take a seat. Those stuck around them waited patiently for them to settle down, but when the water rose above their heads, a gentleman lost his cool and ushered them into their seats. Now, this may seem pretty usual for train commuters, but by this point I had realised that this journey will not take me to my happy place.

Then Mr. Voldy, a pretty grown up fellow with a pea sized brain occupied the seat next to me. (Necessary information update: It was a roughly 7 hour journey and Voldy had nothing to do) So while I sat reading my novel, trying desperately to just ignore him, he sat and stared, at every goddamn thing. And when I say everything, I mean it.

Now let’s get to the interesting (annoying) part. Voldy’s parents seated opposite to me decided to have a snack. Now that’s not something amusing in everyday life. Instead this family initiated a full blown menance of ANTS. Apparently their biscuit packet had ants. Like loads of ants and they just unflinchingly unleashed them on board. Great. Now I just have to spend the rest of the 6 hour journey fidgeting, trying to avoid ant stings.
Jump cut to after evening tea served to us, Voldy had trouble keeping his private biological process, private. Actually, he made no attempt to hide it. I think he felt like a glorious warrior, content that everyone noticed it. In case you were wondering what that activity was, let me set up the scene for you.
He assumed an attack position, with grit and determination visible on his face and then with all the might of every single cell in his body, he FARTED, audibly.
In that moment the following thoughts ran through my brain-
1) Control your laughter. You’re an adult now.
2) However bad it may smell, put up a brave front.
3) And for the love of God, don’t smack him across his face.

For those who say, “It’s only natural. Anyone can endure it once in a while.” To which my reply is, it did not stop. Voldy kept munching down on all sorts of food and farting, with absolutely no inhibitions at all. There was no end to it. I was inside a ‘cyanide’ gas chamber unable to take a full breath without the danger of passing out. But, Voldy was so happy to see all his digestive organs were functioning correctly. A little too correctly, in my opinion.

Come end of natural daylight, I abandoned my book and switched over to my mobile phone to seek entertainment. So did Voldy. To my mobile phone. Yes, you read that correctly.  Every time I caught him a peak at my mobile screen screen, he would ask me what time it was.

As the destination approaching soup was being served, and I had started to calm my nerves by assuring myself that this ordeal would be over soon. Coincidentally, the man serving the soup brought a broken cup and while he was passing it down, a gorgeous soup-fall (if I may call it that) was activated. And in my heart of hearts, I wished that this might be karma. The pretty hot soup-fall, would spill on Voldy and i would have my revenge. BUT that never happened. The soup fell all over me.

Several rolls of tissues and newspaper like damage control, I found Voldy grinning at me. By this time, I was literally wishing him out of existence. But my powers refused to be activated. Destination arrived. The Voldy family got off after creating a ruckus and I was so drained of energy, that I contemplated just curling up in a ball and thinking why did mankind bother evolving at all.

Voldy, if you’re reading this, (There is absolutely no way. I wouldn’t have written it if that was the case.) have a great life ahead man. No grudges were nursed. Just next time, DON’T CROSS PATHS WITH ME! 

0.5/5 stars.

Photo by thejasp

Photo by judygva (taking a break for a couple of weeks)